and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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