Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
