come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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