my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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