when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
