I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
