I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
