I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
