Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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