imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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