just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
