i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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