if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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