my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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