As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
