remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
