I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
