Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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