You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
