Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
