she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
