i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
