yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
