pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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