The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
