May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
