Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
