I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
