We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
