It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
