There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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