Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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