she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
