what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
