his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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