you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
