and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
