he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
