Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
