Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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