I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
