I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
