Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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