The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he was CRYING into my vagina
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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