Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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