She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i drank out of a bidet.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
