my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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