can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize
