You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
