Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
