my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
